BONNER BEHIND BARS: BGA’S OWN BREAKING BAD

By Dalia Diab

A scandal has erupted at Battle Ground Academy. While it is hard to believe that the man behind this scandal is B.G.A’s beloved outdoor club sponsor and lover of March Mammal Madness, there is no denying the evidence against him. After an anonymous tip to the administration regarding a sharp increase of “out of order” signs on the bathroom stalls, campus was shut down on Monday March 29th for an investigation. During the investigation, it was found that all the bathrooms with “out of order” signs had a pungent yeasty smell and residue of a colorful liquid on the toilet bowls. The residue was swabbed and tested for identification. The results came in the following day: the residue was streaks of toilet wine. At this point in the investigation, the culprit had not yet been identified. All of the science department class rooms were searched, including Dr. Bonner’s trailer at Wildcat Creek, which arrived at B.G.A several months ago. What was found inside the trailer was astonishing. On the floor of the trailer were ripped packets of yeast, sugar packets with the FLIK dining logo, and various fruits. On the walls, were shelves packed with Erlenmeyer flasks and test tubes filled with toilet wine ready to be shipped off to the black market. There was now enough evidence to prove that Dr. Bonner had been fermenting toilet wine in B.G.A bathrooms and selling it. While most of the trailer’ contents are now in the possession of the F.B.I, a photo of Dr. Bonner’s lab diary has been released to the public

To better understand this former teacher turned convict, I sat down to have a candid interview with him.

Q: Dr. Bonner, why’d you do it?

A: I’ve been feeling like my daily routine has become mundane. I teach biology and [in one of my classes] we watched a video on fermentation, which is an alternative pathway for cellular respiration. One of my students jokingly suggested we should make Kombucha or toilet wine (both beverages that are created through fermentation). I immediately thought to myself Jeff, this is the thrill you’ve been searching for. So I decided to pull a Walter White and use my scientific knowledge to join in on an illegal yet highly profitable industry. 

Q: Do you regret anything?

A: No. 

Q: Anything else you want to add?

A: How this scandal didn’t get uncovered sooner is a mystery. Afterall, how does no one question the sudden arrival of a sketchy trailer parked right on campus. 

Dr. Bonner is now serving a lifelong sentence at the same federal minimum security prison that Martha Stewart served in.