Tips for Dealing with The Campus Ghost

by Julia Weber

Recently, it was discovered that the basement of the Echo building was haunted. The administration advised that students and faculty should not fear this phantom, and today we’re going to provide you some tips for dealing with the campus ghost!

1. Don’t be afraid of the ghost. Like dogs, ghosts can actually smell your fear, so you don’t want to make yourself a target for haunting by releasing fear hormones into the surrounding air. Try to calm yourself by taking deep breaths and thinking about a happy memory in order to feel less scared in the presence of a ghost.
2. Try to speak to the ghost. A simple way to do this is to use your phone to record audio, then ask the ghost what its name is and what its favorite food is. Repeat the question until a response is heard, either audibly or registered on your phone. More complex audio recording devices will provide a clearer answer, but your regular cell phone will also do the trick.
3. Once you learn the ghost’s name and favorite food, you should prepare a special meal. According to Dr. Arnold Porter from the University of Chicago’s department of supernatural studies, preparing a nice meal for a ghost is the best way to make it and yourself feel comfortable. In this scenario, try asking the ghost more questions and recording them again in order to have a nice dinner with the spirit. It is also recommended that you wear your best attire and never forget to set the table with tiny spoons and forks, such as those used by Trace “oat boy” Alexander, since the ghost will not be able to hold regular sized utensils.
4. If a ghost is tormenting or haunting you, try to provide it an offering. The best offerings for ghosts are of course its favorite food or meal, but in the case you are unable to get these answers from the ghost, you should always go with a Cadbury Creme Egg. It is a little known fact, but according to Dr. Porter, ghosts and spirits absolutely love all things egg, especially chocolate ones. Their second favorite egg dish is eggs benedict, but most ghosts will only accept this dish if it is prepared by Gordon Ramsay right in front of them. If you don’t have Gordon’s number or can’t find chocolate eggs, then good luck.
5. Finally, try to host a birthday or deathday party for the ghost. Using your audio recording device, ask the ghost when it was born or when it died, then throw it an elaborate party. There must be exactly 27 guests, no more and no less, in order to have an appropriate amount for a ghosty party. If one of the guests wears a ghost costume or does not treat the party with the utmost respect, the whole thing is off and you will be haunted. Make sure guests bring a party gift of one of the items mentioned above, or a Publix sub will work, and they must wear fancy clothing. If you throw the ghost one of these parties correctly, it is sure to respect you forever and provide protection. Don’t forget the small utensils for the cake (they prefer carrot)!