Ms. Dillard’s absences in recent weeks have been officially uncovered: while she may have claimed she was out with “side effects from the vaccine,” she was actually scouting all across the country for new talent to join BGA students on the 6-square court. I recently got the opportunity to interview our new incoming students and find out why they chose BGA.
Me: Spike, how did you become aware about this new opportunity at BGA?
Spike Jacobs, Freshman
Spike: I was walking into Kroger last Friday and this really short woman came near me and got on the phone and said “He’s perfect! He’s perfect!” She walked up to me and told me that she had a new opportunity for me to make up to 1 million dollars a year as a male model. The next thing I knew, we were forging my birth certificate to say I was born in 2005 and I was at the New Balance store being fitted for what the small woman kept calling “six square shoes,” but I’m pretty sure they were just sneakers.
Me: Are you excited to come to BGA next year?
Spike: Not really. I have a wife and children that I want to get back to… I really just want to go home. Your school seems cool and all, I’m just 42.
Nelson Pendergrass, Senior
Me: Nelson, how were you recruited for 6 Square?
Nelson: I was working at Baskin Robbins when this woman and her two kids came in. When I asked her which ice cream she wanted, she said that she really enjoyed my diction. She told me that she was looking for an intern at her medical practice, and asked me if I might be interested. Of course I was! I thought it was weird when Google Maps directed me to a school for our meeting, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then I saw Spike. That’s when I realized that this was definitely not a doctor’s office.
Me: Why do you think you were chosen to be a part of this elite group of Squarers?
Nelson: I kept asking her that… apparently she thinks that I “have a lot of heart” and she keeps telling me that I have to prove a lot of things to a lot of people… I don’t know who those people are, though. She also keeps saying that I’m going to be “the underdog that people want to get to the 1 square” but I honestly just would rather be at Baskin Robbins… it’s much calmer there.
Lebron James, Junior
Me: I have to ask Lebron… why are you here?
Lebron: I was just playing in a game when this woman who was sitting courtside just started like, running after me and then she tackled me. I was really taken aback, but she said that basketball was a dying sport, and that I could be a part of an exciting new movement. The security guards were charging us at this point, but I told them to lay off. I asked her how much it would pay, and she said that it would pay dividends for the rest of my life. I was going to say no, but Anthony Davis has been kind of getting on my nerves lately, so I said sure.
Me: What do you think you can bring to the six square court?
Lebron: Well, I moved here along with my wife, so I’m in Franklin to stay. I was honestly kind of disgusted when I got here and saw they had put so much money into this new theatre. Who needs a theatre? So I’m donating $13 million dollars to build the Bond Dillard and Lebron James Six Square Court. I figured that I had to include Ms. Dillard, because I owe her pretty much everything. In the new court, I’m always in the One Square. Always.
Emily St. John Mandel, Sophomore
Me: Now, I’ve read your book, Station 11, super topical by the way, but how were you chosen to play 6 Square?
Emily: I was at a book signing in Nashville when I was approached by this woman with, like, 50 copies of Station 11. She talked for a while about how topical the book was for her students, and how much she connected it. I appreciate the compliment. Then she asked how long I was in town, and if I could come speak to her students. I said of course! But then when I showed up there were no students there, and she said that she had made a mistake and that it was an inservice day. But I’m pretty sure she knew, because after she locked all the doors to the classroom and played tons of Flipgrids that she made of herself answering the question, “Why should Emily St. John Mandel join the 6 Square team?” I was flattered, but I have a job. But the next thing I knew, I was agreeing to join the team. I’m pretty sure she hypnotized me. I’m excited, I guess, but she thinks that because I predicted COVID I can predict other things. She keeps asking me “When will it be over?” and “Will they ever learn to write a non 3 point thesis?” I think she wants me here for fortune telling more than 6 Square.
Angela Samuels, Freshman
Me: Angela, how were you approached about this opportunity?
Angela: Well, I was actually interviewing here to work on the security team. But as I was about done with my interview, they said, “Someone’s here for you.” Ms. Dillard walked in, and offered me a contract for $3 million a year to play 6 Square. I was really confused about how a school that barely has working bathrooms could give me $3 million to play a game, but apparently Lebron gave her some recruiting money.
Me: Have you played 6 Square previously?
Angela: …No. But I have lifted and wrestled professionally for years now. Ms. Dillard says that those don’t transfer to Six Square and I have a lot of work to do, but I’m ready to do the work. I hope to stay here for a long, long time. I think I can make a real difference in 6 Square at BGA, now and forever.
Simon of the Flies, Freshman
Me: Simon, several questions. First, I didn’t think you were real? Second, why are you playing six square?
Simon: I’m actually not sure how I exist… but suddenly I just spawned in C410. Ms. Dillard was there and she just started sobbing and weeping and telling me that it was going to be ok, and telling me how pure I was, and that I deserved better. Weird, but like whatever. So now I just kind of live in Ms. Dillard’s room.
Me: Are you… good at Six Square?
Simon: Not really. None of the other players like it when I have them question the metaphorical meaning of the game. Why does the one square serve to the four square? Is that a symbol for the dichotomy of class relations in the US?When people get out, they have to realize that it’s not the others in the square getting them out, but the beast within them. Also, I refuse to participate in Play-Ons. I didn’t get a play-on after Jack violently murdered me, so why should they?
This new 6 Square team looks promising, and it’s certain with BGA’s emphasis on athletics that admissions will be forever changed by this year’s recruits.
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