The Bachelor: A Blind Watch

By Chloe Wright

No, my mom and I haven’t watched this season of The Bachelor. No, I have no idea what Shrimpgate is. And no, I have no idea what the appeal is of this Clayton guy (although the dogs in the photo above are cute).

Do you want to know what I do know? Being single on Valentine’s Day stinks. But do you know what (surprisingly) doesn’t stink? Devouring donuts while blindly watching the most recent episode of The Bachelor. Do you want to know how I aim to do that? Are you getting tired of these rhetorical questions? Are you?

Today, the only romance I’ve gotten was from COVID-19 and getting nauseous from some bad chocolates. I need a pick-me-up. So I will be watching Episode 6 of Season 26, The Bachelor.

The episode opens with Shanae and another contestant, Genevieve, going on a two-on-one date to Niagara Falls with Clayton, this season’s Bachelor.

Shanae dips her head back and forth like a drinking bird to spy on Genevieve and Clayton’s kissing sesh. The music tells me she is the villain. Oh no, is Shanae lowering her head and blinking away tears to Clayton? My mom wants me to make a joke about her tears actually being the mist. Wait, is she bragging about faking tears and being a saboteur? This gullible boy. Stop rubbing her thigh! Down, boy! Down!

Clayton bitterly asks Genevieve, “Are you an actress, or are you just lying to me?” Shanae smirks. But, Genevieve gets the rose! He ditches Shanae without even saying goodbye! Huzzah! I don’t even know these women. Everyone starts cheering and spraying champagne over Shanae’s suitcase leaving (the show’s way of showing her getting booted off). Shanae has a villainous monologue on a boat while Clayton and Genevieve make out in the background.

Now, the Cocktail Party in Toronto is where everyone mingles. This woman from New Jersey sets up a tiny date where she feeds Clayton poutine because they’re “in Canada,” (1. It’s a québécois dish and not from Ontario, not to mention Toronto, and 2. imagine that cold poutine being made by the people backstage sitting for hours and waiting to be shoved on set for the show. Does it still seem appetizing to you?) and another woman interrupts them. Clayton immediately ditches the prepared food (see point 2) along with Jersey woman for this new woman.

It’s not worth it if I mention everyone who gets a rose because I don’t know anyone. Poutine woman gets a rose, though. Now, they’re going to Hvar, Croatia! 

Teddi (the first impression rose woman) and Clayton have their rainy first date while buying lavender and eating ice cream. Teddi shares that she is a virgin and has never been in love before, and Clayton is very fine with it and gives her the rose. 

Poutine woman (I learn her name is Mara) is freaking out. Everyone but Sarah gets on the group date which means that Sarah will get her second one-on-one of the season. Drama!

For the group date, the contestants compete like Croatian knights to show purity of heart and honor. First, they push each other with shields out of a circle. Second, they eat “atrocious looking” food like pig brains and fish eyes. The bunch of American women start gagging. Finally, the women kneel with their swords and shields and speak to Clayton from their heart. Mara thinks everyone is being dull so she starts … rapping … about how everyone is a peasant and has nothing on her. Serena (seems nice) wins the knighthood and gets carried off by Clayton. Later, Mara trash-talks Sarah about not being ready for marriage. A very uninterested Clayton gives Rachel the group rose.

Clayton is given a letter slid under the door with only “Meet me at the clocktower,” along with the hilariously dramatic voiceover courtesy of Jesse Palmer, the new host of the show. The bells toll through the plaza even more dramatically as an ecstatic Clayton discovers that Susie (seems nice) is the one who sent the letter. They stand on top of the belltower and talk about their lovey-dovey feelings. 

A nervous Clayton and a peppy Sarah drink wine in a pavilion. Clayton tells Sarah that “some people” think she’s not ready for marriage. Then he walks away from a sobbing Sarah and comes back to give her the rose. And Sarah wants one thing against whoever trash-talked about her: revenge.