April Horoscopes

By Faith Newman

Zodiac Signs:

* Aries (March 21 – April 19): As a fire sign, you tend to be a bit impulsive. This month, let your intrusive thoughts take control. Drop that baby, drive over 95, and shave your head! 

* Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Try going to an EDM festival. NOW!! Do it, drop what you’re doing and go to that rave! You might hate it, maybe even regret it, but I am your horoscope and you must do as I say!!

* Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Buy either a straight jacket or an expensive piece of jewelry. I know you probably have both in your Amazon cart. One or the other, it’ll probably take a while to decide.

* Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Stop crying and whining, shave your head. You might look good as a hairless cat. Or potentially a naked mole rat. 

* Leo (July 23 – August 22): You’re not the hero, the main character, or the protagonist: you are the villain. Rob a bank.

* Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’re different, you’re not like other girls, you’re quirky. Become a vampire, if Bella Swan can do it so can you. Maybe the skin of a killer will finally quench that thirst for attention you always seem to have. 

* Libra (September 23 – October 22): It is far from your season and you might be feeling real down or off your groove. To lift your spirits, try interacting with them. Try paranormal investigation. You kinda look like you talk to dead people, so try starting with a ouija board. They are sold at Target. 

* Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Commit arson at your local 7-11. But treat yourself first and buy a slushy!

* Sagittarius (November 22 – December 24): These days anyone can make music, it no longer has to be good. Become a one hit wonder, drop the single! But please not the album, we can only tolerate so much of your voice.

* Dennis (December 25 – January 1): As a ground sign, you’re susceptible to seasonal allergies, you’re pretty chill on planes, and you’re pretty malicious in the afternoons. Try a new restaurant, you kinda seem like a Cheesecake Factory type of person. 

* Capricorn ( January 2 – January 19):  Raise chickens, that seems like something you’d do. And when they are grown and start laying eggs, you can use them to egg your enemies’ houses and cars. You’ll feel better knowing that those eggs are cage free, free range, organic, and produced with love.  

* Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Get help. Interpret this how you will. 

* Pisces (February 19 – March 20): *knock* *knock* *knock* THIS IS THE FBI, OPEN UP!

Moon: April 1st is the new moon. April 16th is the full moon, often known as the Pink Moon.