“THE WILDCAT” UNMASKED ON THE MASKED SINGER

By Chloe Wright

So much has happened in the reality TV world! …Or rather the reality TV I write about on The Echo. For starters, Dancing With the Stars still exists, the Bachelorette Michelle has found love with Nayte (I approve), and don’t get me started on Clayton’s season finale on his season of The Bachelor. Good Lord Almighty. I might have to dedicate a section about him in this article. But the most important news is that The Masked Singer is back, baby!

The season’s theme is The Good, The Bad, and the Cuddly, so each of the judges decided to grace us with the knowledge of what trait they would choose. Let’s just say that I never want to hear Robin Thicke describe himself as “cuddly” ever again.

Firefly is first, and whatever I write about here doesn’t matter because she’s one of the better contestants.

The Cyclops is not important. I think he’s Rudy Giuliani, though. For reference, in one of the next few episodes, one of the contestants is Rudy, and Ken walks off stage in protest. They’re airing the episode. We just don’t know what episode that’ll be. Maybe it’s this one.

The Ram is next. Not a fan. He’s supposed to be a ram, but he looks like a Roman gladiator with ram horns. They could’ve added hooves, but noooo… Oh, right, the episode. He sings “Learn to Fly” by Foo Fighters. I appreciate the inclusion of more rock music in the series (as it used to be pop/rap-leaning).

Thingamabob sings Ed Sheeran. He’s in the same boat as Firefly but with a better costume. 

Oh, a wildcard was just announced… The “Wildcat!” Haha, wildcard and wildcat… That’s strange. The costume looks just like our mascot outfit. 

This clue package sure is interesting. It includes our contestant in a packed classroom with the celebrities’ bodyguards taking notes. The room is a little sleepy with soft orange light. Then it pans on our Wildcat sitting on a mountain top, lightly tapping one of those giant gongs. He is interrupted by a pack of the bodyguards chucking McDonald’s Happy Meals at him. Unfazed, he winks at the camera and lets out a peaceful breath. Now back on stage, he belts out “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper. Guesses include Zach from The Try Guys, the Swedish Chef from Sesame Street, and the guy on the David Bowie treadmill in that one Peloton ad. 

The contestants with the lowest amount of votes are thrust into battle for a spot in the next episode. This episode, the contestants are Firefly (who marches off the stage at this news), Ram, and… Wildcat? 

The Ram opts to sing “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver, and the Firefly chooses “god is a woman” by Ariana Grande. The Wildcat is singing opera. He just… belts opera directly in the face of the Ram. Like, he’s actually really good. How is he in the bottom three again?

What?! The Ram and the Wildcat have been eliminated from the competition! What an unjustment. And The Ram was… Joe Buck! I don’t know who that is, but he won an Emmy, so I guess he’s fine… Okay, he’s no longer fine. They wanted him to sing for one last time, and he’s sure making noises. This isn’t good. Ow, my ears.

The Wildcat has been unmasked, and it’s… MR. HAYDEN?! Is this… real? The crowd goes absolutely wild. Robin Thicke is brought to tears. Ken Jeong bows repeatedly, screaming, “We’re not worthy!” like that scene from “Wayne’s World.” How do they know him?

How did we not know this? He’s my Pre-Cal teacher, for goodness sake. This entire time while he was teaching us, he was in cahoots with FOX network! It sure is a sine (get it, ‘cause sine and cosine?) that he got kicked off. 

Host Nick Cannon addresses the audience now, saying that this is the first time they had to remove someone from the competition because they were “too good” to be on the show and would easily win.

Mr. Hayden puts the Wildcat head on the floor and addresses BGA and family. He feels a little embarrassed that he had to “keep this secret for so long” but that he wanted to do “what he loved” which was to entertain his close ones, including his students. This is actually pretty sweet.

Moral of the story? Stream “Fire Ball.”