Reality Tea-V #1: AGT and The Bachelorette

By Chloe Wright

I’m baaaack! I have decided to step it up this year with my articles for The Echo. Now, I’m adding a little something special to it … tea reviews! Tea on TV, tea in my mug. What more can a girl want? Well, our standards will be high after reading my section on The Bachelorette, but I’m getting ahead of myself. 

This month’s tea is an herbal called Orange & Spice from Bigelow. It smells like oatmeal (Trace Alexander, this tea is for you) and tastes crisp. The heat really brings out the orange, and it even tastes like orange. One brown sugar cube honestly helps. I sensed some ginger, and even though I don’t love ginger in my tea, the orange made it bearable. Overall, I rate it a 6/10 which is good for me. 

First, the finale for America’s Got Talent (or, for the cool kids, “AGT”) aired recently. I’ll give you easy-to-digest bullet points representing my thoughts. 

• I was very impressed with the storytelling pole dancer (yes, I just said that). You have to have an incredible core for that, and she was just twirling around on that thing like it was nobody’s business. 
• The network’s subtitles for the French magician guy said “non-English speech,” which makes me (someone in AP French who wants to understand all French) furious. Simon roasted him, though, which was funny.
• Here are the guys who used AI to make Terry Crews sing opera. Now they’re using it to make Simon Cowell and Elvis via technological necromancy do a duet. I bet these guys are NFT bros… that’s mean, I take that back.
• If the Mayyas– a dance group for Lebanon promoting female empowerment– don’t win, I’m suing NBC. (For legal reasons, this is a joke!)
• Avery Dixon’s saxophone made me jam a little. Also, his suit is nice.
• Here is the ventriloquist from Spain! I’m in a good mood today because I think everyone is doing well. I’m being too nice.
• I didn’t watch the rest of the finale because I fell asleep, but there was a magician and a hot guy playing guitar. 

Now, the finale results! And you’ll never guess who won. Well, maybe you will. It was the Mayyas. And they darn well deserved it!

Phew, that was a lot of being nice. Now, let’s get cynical about love and watch The Bachelorette. Because holy crud! So many things happened! 

I’ll summarize. This year, there were two Bachelorettes: Rachel the career-driven pilot and Gabby the goofy nurse. Through this season, they weeded through the men (Nate deserved better), but Gabby landed on a mulleted man named Erich as her final 1. Rachel had to choose between Aven, a perfectly nice guy, and Tino, whose daddy issues I can smell from here, and she chose the latter as her final 1. There, summarized 22 hours of television for you. 

But but but! Last Wednesday, a bomb dropped. Erich’s (alleged) ex-girlfriend released text messages that revealed that he just went on the show for fame and a career and was “waiting” for her. While he was with Gabby, he texted the ex and said that he missed her! And during Fantasy Suites, he got super angry at Gabby because she still had other guys. Gasp! And to top it all off, he was exposed for doing blackface! Can this man do anything right?

Well, one thing. He makes Tino look more or less like a saint. For reference, Tino was exposed for cheating on Rachel and having his Dad write awful, derogatory posts about her on Facebook. 

Now. The finale. It’s literally 3 hours of Jesse Palmer (bless his heart) making a nothing sandwich. But, we do see one of the funniest images where Tino is making a suspicious phone call to someone with his shirt half off outside. Rachel asks what he is doing, visibly upset, and he says in a timid voice, “Just needed to talk to somebody” with the expression of a shy toddler trying to cover up a juice spill on the couch. Then, Rachel is called off on stage by Aven (the good one) to “catch up.” 

Now, for Gabby. Erich and Gabby are … together? Still? Erich comments on the texts as a way (rather an excuse) to break up with his girlfriend. Unfortunately, no comments on the blackface.

Now, the Bachelor for next season iiiiis Zach! I have not mentioned him, but he enjoys riding bikes through tulips, has Puddy from Seinfeld as his uncle, and has no idea when the Renaissance era was. He said it was in the 1600s, and I can imagine Mr. Blair is shaking his head.

So, what have we learned? I am how everyone describes every zodiac sign on TikTok: I’m, like, super nice, but don’t get on my bad side or I’ll mess you up. That’s me with reality TV. FYI, I’m a Capricorn. Next time, chances are I’ll review Bachelor in Paradise (it’s like The Bachelor but they’re in Mexico and it’s more dramatic) and The Masked Singer (it’s literally a furry convention with Ken Jeong). Until then!