Reality Tea-V #2: The Masked Singer

By Chloe Wright

My nickname in middle school was “Queen of the Furries,” but contrary to popular belief, I have never been to a furry convention. However (and I do not use this “however” lightly), I know one when I see one. So when I started The Masked Singer when it first started airing, I knew I was in fur a ride.

How do I segue into this month’s tea? I don’t know, maybe with a banger intro like I just wrote? Anyway, this October, I went for something spooky. What’s more spooky than not getting enough sleep? So, I chose Kava Stress Relief to soothe my nerves. It smells like brown sugar and dreams. Lovely. The taste sends aromas of sweet sugar but not the kind that chips away at your enamel but rather like heaven. I didn’t even add sugar cubes to it! I am at peace. That’s about to change, and fast.

First of all. The episode I’m reviewing had a baseball game airing over it. Then FOX aired the show again, and another baseball game aired over it. So I fled to YouTube, and the episode is there for free. Then I had to suffer from the comfort of a mobile device.

Tonight is Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber night. He’s the man who made the Cats musical and Phantom of the Opera. He’s also an EGOT winner. So, I have plenty of respect. As long as I don’t see James Corden or Jason Derulo as cats (or James Corden at all), I’m happy. Let’s see if the show gives the same amount of respect. 

They open with Nicole Scherzinger killing it on “Memory” and then Webber coming on stage. Ken Jeong starts screaming the lyrics of “Phantom of the Opera” and throttling the poor man, and Webber stops him, saying, “If I am the girl in Phantom of the Opera, and you’re trying to get a h-hold of me, can you do it just a little more seductively?” And then Ken sprawls on the floor. Webber asks the audience if they would be attracted to him, and a thrawl of women scream no and yes. Don’t ask me where I stand. 

The first new contestant is “Maize.” It’s literally corn in a go-go girl outfit. Then Nicole says, “Oh my God, it’s corn!” And I cackled. Then Maize killed it with “Heaven on their Minds” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Guesses include Jonathan Groff and Matthew Broderick. 

Next new contestant is Mermaid. She sung “Any Dream Will Do” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Not bad, but not as good as Maize. Lloyd Webber thinks it’s Gloria Esteban, and Ken Jeong aggressively disagrees. Lloyd Webber shuts him down with poise and grace.

Now, Robo Girl. My first impressions are that she looks very young and likes dancing. She sings “Bad Cinderella” from Bad Cinderella. She’s actually really good. Someone guessed Lucy Hale. 

So, Maize of all people gets kicked off??? And he’s unmasked as Mario Cantone. Honestly? I wish I could tell you who that is. Google tells me he was on “Surfs Up”. This is an unjustment. 

Now, Mermaid and Robo Girl duel for some reason to see who stays unmasked. They sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.” I know the song from a Bachelorette episode from the days of yore. Robo Girl won, and Lloyd Webber gives her a little staff. This girl is a hugger. 

That leaves the Mermaid. And she’s … Gloria Gaynor? As in the Gloria Gaynor? As in the one who sang “I Will Survive,” my anthem during junior year finals? What’s this feeling, this warmth in my heart? Is this what people call “happiness”? I’m actually happy to see her. How great.

Now, what have we learned? First of all, my furry joke was for naught. Not a single bit of fur was on stage tonight. Not even a cat from Cats! Second of all, I believe that FOX chose these singers specifically for tonight because they didn’t want to waste Lloyd Webber’s (I will reiterate this, an EGOT WINNER) time. Third of all, I like Gloria Gaynor. And this tea is very good. 

Tune in next time for a review of a show I have never seen an episode from this season before: Bachelor in Paradise! I don’t think I’ve ever reviewed it here, but if watching last year’s season told me anything, this show is a certifiably hot mess. Yippee!