Reality Tea-V #3 – The Masked Singer (again)

By Chloe Wright

What is this? Another article about The Masked Singer? Yep! I’m really self-destructing this issue. 

I do have some tragic news. My succulent, Liam, has died. None of my readers have heard of him because I have literally never mentioned him before, but it’s still sad. He was a friend to me and sat on my desk while I worked on homework and writing. Rest well, Liam. Maybe the Circle of Life will allow you to be reincarnated as one of Nick Cannon’s ten million children. (I swear, he can repopulate the planet at this point.)

Tonight, we’re going to have the spookiest tea in memory of Liam and my mental health. So, I chose the Chai Latte from Starbucks. 

It’s Muppet night! We open our episode with the whole judge crew singing “Rainbow Connection.” Obviously, some sing better than others. While Robin and Nicole do quite well, Ken makes up for his subpar talent with his goofy charm. Jenny obviously didn’t take chorus electives when she went to the University of Google. Kermit is there too, and the crows goes absolutely ballistic. 

Oh, and Miss Piggy is a co-host! She’s looking as fabulous as always. 

Now for the contestants. Robot sings “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen. I don’t know what it has to do with Muppets, but she kills it even with FOX’s poor editing of the song. You know what Freddie Mercury said: “You can do what you want with my music, but don’t make me boring.” Well, seeing a robo-girl sing it sure isn’t. It’s someone’s fantasy, I guess. 

Oh my days, there’s a beetle with a bowl cut. While he rocks the Stranger Things Will Byers Season 4 cut (poor boy), he sings “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra. His voice is … alright? It’s smooth and kind of raspy? Not a lot of range, but that’s not a bad thing for him. Dang it, I was looking forward to making fun of a man in a beetle/Oliver Tree costume! He tells Kermit he “loves” him, and Kermit clutches his chest. Guesses include Mr. Bean and JERRY SPRINGER.

Now, the three little lambs. These costumes are adorable and pictured in the photo above. In the clue package, one of the stock characters gives one of the lambs a pair of jeans that says “famous.” Jenny says that their fame might be in their genes, and literally all I can think of is that one scene in Riverdale where they tell Betty she has the “serial killer genes,” and I thought it would be funny if she just stood up and said, “Hey, these are from Old Navy!” But I guess that’s just me. Oh, also, they sing “Hot N Cold” by Katy Perry. Still no idea what that has to do with the Muppets. It’s a banger, but they sadly don’t bring it justice. 

So, the Beetle gets knocked off. No surprise, ‘cause that haircut alone is reason enough. And he is … actually Jerry Springer. Oh, no. What’s next, the “You are not the father” guy?

Now, the Lambs and Robo-Girl battle. They both sing “Call Me” by Blondie. They literally sing it in different keys. And, you’ll never believe this, the Lambs win!

Robo Girl is dethroned. And she is revealed to be … Kat Graham! Google tells me that she’s the girl from The Vampire Diaries. How neat and fittingly spooky!

What did we learn today? No, seriously, what did we learn today?