By Chloe Wright

Spare me, universe. I can’t watch another episode of The Masked Singer. My soul is of rock. I am dead inside … Oh, who am I kidding? I stayed up until four am last night. I’m a rebel. I can do whatever I want.

Welcome back to Reality Tea-V where today I am not doing Bachelor in Paradise. I know, dear reader, that the absence of this show on this series is heartbreaking to you. Yet I have my reasons.

While I was working downstairs being the busy bee I am, my Dad from upstairs asked me if I wanted to delete my recordings of Bachelor in Paradise. I said maybe, wondering how many there actually were. Tonight, during a commercial break for a Christmas movie (see Walker’s video about when to start celebrating Christmas, I believe I make an appearance!), I decided to check how many episodes I had … TWELVE EPISODES! To put that into perspective, each episode is two hours long. That’s one hundred and twenty minutes per episode. I have missed one thousand, four hundred and forty (1,440) minutes of ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise.

Now I had two choices here: do I watch all one thousand, four hundred and forty minutes of a bunch of adults screaming and crying on the beach or do I watch sixty minutes of a bunch of adults screaming and crying in fur suits? A question for the ages.

Tea Time

To treat myself, I went downtown to get a hot chai latte from my local Starbucks. Did I do this last episode? Yes. But back then the barista didn’t spell my name as “Khloe” even though I explicitly said “Chloe” spelled C-H-L-O-E. I guess my articles have elevated me up to Kardashian level. I ordered eight pumps of chai, and it was delicious and sweet. Great for a wintry day like today.

This episode is, of course, about The Masked Singer. Updates include Nick Cannon having his one-hundredth child in the oven and an appearance of resident crusty man Joel McHale. 

Part 1 – 90s Night

It opens with the Tag Team guys performing their smash hit “Whoomp, There It Is.” The set is very bright and shiny. Not too shabby.

The first contestant is the Walrus in a rainjacket. I’m not going to lie; the outfit is ridiculously cute (and pictured above). He sings “Two Princes” by Spin Doctors which is, in my opinion, Publix background music core. But he has a nice voice. Guesses include John Stamos and a bunch of guys I don’t recognize, but I honestly think it’s Joey Lawrence of Blossom fame. 

Next, the Milkshake walks onto the stage, and everyone does the Macarena. He raps that one song from that one Jardiance commercial. 

Those lambs are back who won last week. They sing “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette, and it honestly slaps. 

Aaaaand the Walrus was kicked off! My sweet boy! And he is unmasked to be … no way, this is the first time I actually got it right. It’s Joey Lawrence! I literally only know him from Mayim Bialik!

Now, the Milkshake and the Lambs face off. They sing different renditions of “What is Love,” the song that Jim Carrey bops his head to in that one movie. It’s obvious Milkshake is not a singer, but he tries. 

But he doesn’t try well enough. He gets booted and unmasked to be … Le’Veon Bell! I don’t know him! He’s an NFL guy. 

Part 2 – Hall of Fame Night

I would be remiss if I did not mention Leslie Jordan’s appearance on the show, who tragically died in a car accident on October 24th of this year. He was one of the members of the show who made me and countless other watchers happy. He will be missed. My condolences to his family.

Nicole opens the show by absolutely blowing everyone out of the water with “Fame” by Irene Cara because she’s one of the actually talented judges on this show. Ken has departed as tonight’s judge (my heart bleeds), but Leslie Jordon takes his place!

The Lambs from the last episode have moved on to the semifinals. So now we have a new group of contestants!

The first contestant is the Bride. She’s basically a pink dragon in a bridal dress. And then Joel McHale steps out after the bubblegum dragon lady. Oh, it’s not a lady. He sounds like a heavy metal singer when he sings “Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon. This is a hysterical sight to see a British, highlighter pink dragon in a wedding dress with a raspy voice shrieking a 2015 pop song. 

The next is Gopher. He sounds old but not bad. He sings “It’s Your Thing” by The Isley Brothers (I think it’s from a Walmart commercial).

Venus Flytrap is next! Her costume is actually pretty cool; the head dangles from a suspension. He… sang a song, and it was the most-sung song in history. He’s having fun!

But his journey has ended here. He has been dropped, and it’s … oh my gosh, it’s George Foreman. Like, the grill guy. 

Now, the Gopher and the Bride battle. Sheila E. is here for some reason (for those who don’t know, she’s a crazy good drummer). They both sing different renditions of “All-Star” by Shrek– I mean, Smash Mouth. Cheap joke, I know. I like Smash Mouth’s songs too.

And the Bride wins? Look, I bet I could win if I got into a dragon costume and screamed into the mic à la Yoko Ono too. This means the Gopher is booted off. And he is … George Clinton! Good to see him.

It’s almost midnight now. I just watched two episodes of the nobody-acknowledges-Nick-Cannon’s-children show. So, I’ll close out this episode with the words of Leslie Jordan: “Every garbage can has its lid.”