By Chloe Wright

The dreaded day of Valentine’s Day is here, and I have two choices: I enjoy being single, or I enjoy being single and watch The Bachelor. I’ve had many a person request that I watch this show with “It’s so good this season!” It’s been a while since I’ve consumed this show. Let’s flip a coin. Heads, I enjoy being single. Tails, I put myself through watching The Bachelor and don’t even find a man out of it.

Okay, back from flipping my coin. Bad news everyone, we’re consuming trash. Happy Reality Tea-Valentines Day. This time, we’re wearing pink.

The Tea

I decided to partake in the Sleepytime tea from Celestial. I’m sleepy. That’s the reason. Also, the logo is of a cute bear getting some shut eye on a minimalistic logo. And that’s rad. However, he wasn’t always like that. To quote my writer friend who saw the previous logo where the bear was in a humble abode of his own, “He has no bed! He has no house!!!” And that’s what I think of every time I see this logo.

Tea-wise? It’s solid. Calming. Not as good as chamomile, but Sleepytime is a good choice to relax your nerves. Research paper season is here, and we need a minty anchor full of valerian root. 

The TV

We are introduced to our Bachelor, Zach Shallcross. The one who forgot when the Renaissance happened? Yeah, him. Apparently, he starred in a band in 7th grade called Public Disturbance (not as good as my 8th-grade metal band, We Aren’t Like Them). Let’s get to know him in this episode.

But wait! I should mention one of the contestants was voted by the general public to receive “America’s Impression Rose.” Her name is Brianna, and she has created a makeup brand. I like her. Spoiler alert: her dress tonight is gorgeous!

But wait! We need to meet the women pitted against each other. What you need to know are the limo entrances. Zach has host Jesse Palmer check his breath and then check out the breadth of women arriving en masse.

Notable entrances include a Vermonter making him drink maple syrup (he did not like it), Cat (and his grimace after she leaves), and Bailey (who he called Bailyn and kisses her?!). Also, I’d be remiss if I did not mention the girl who makes him spray sunscreen because of “the moon,” the mini Mardi Gras parade, the woman who LICKED HIS NECK (which is her “territory” right now), and Nashvillian Christina Mandrell’s party bus.

Now, the cocktail party! On the party bus, Christina has created an illustrated “this or that” book that Zach must flip through. Zach has to choose between dinosaurs and dragons, and he chooses the former! Let’s go! I will never make a joke about him not knowing when the Renaissance was ever again. Then they kiss, but the women swarm themselves on the bus and chug champagne. Also, Forgot-Her-Name and Zach change the diaper of a plastic baby.

Now the First Impression Rose has been introduced. Lots of people talk with him, and I’m letting you fill in the gaps for how they went. 

“Oh, I like my grandparents.” 

“I like my grandparents too.”

“Let’s kiss.” 

“Mwah!” 

Sure, they’re wholesome, but they aren’t good to poke fun at. 

A North Dakotan tries flirting with Zack and doesn’t hit. She sees another woman he’s friendlier toward and buts in, asking for a kiss. He gives her a lackluster peck, and she breaks down. 

Greer gets the First Impression Rose. Madison (the North Dakotan) is upset and needs a rose. 

Now, the Rose Ceremony… Woah, woah, woah. Madison walks into the secret convo Zach and Jesse are having and… leaves? It’s a smart decision since he didn’t seen interested in her, and she didn’t want to deal with that unreciprocated attraction. That doesn’t stop her from crying. 

Okay, now the Rose Ceremony. Those not given roses are Sonia, the woman who licked his neck, a blond woman, and another blond woman. I never mentioned any of those people before, didn’t I? Except for the woman who licked his neck. That was weird.

Now, we’ve made it. Happy Valentine’s Day. Eat chocolate if you’re into that. Finish your research papers.