Bonner-ooo Music Festival Coming to the Quad this Summer

By Sydney Carroll

Music fans nationwide were heartbroken when Tennessee’s premier music festival, Bonnaroo was canceled in 2020 because of the pandemic. Heartbreak struck musicians and attendees alike when Bonnaroo was canceled yet again in 2021 because of floods that decimated its Manchester location. Rather than get our hopes up to only be disappointed again, this summer the nation has turned to a more dependable festival: Bonner-ooo, a new event hitting 336 Ernest Rice Lane with only one headlining act: former failed Banana Republic employee and current BGA science teacher, Dr. Jeffery Bonner. 

Many have questioned the legality of Bonner’s appearance after a controversial Breaking Bad-esque stint making toilet wine on campus ended in his arrest, with him later being rescued by a mysterious group referred to as the “Bowtie Bandits.” However, as Dr. Bonner once said, “I’ll be dag-blasted! Magic!”. So, despite his current legal perils, Bonner-ooo will come to the quad for one night only. I was unable to nail down an interview with Dr. Bonner because he has been intensely preparing for the event; however, I’ve been able to simulate a conversation with him using actual, real things he said to my junior-year Biology class. The interview is as follows. 

Me: Dr. Bonner, I’m so excited to attend Bonner-ooo! What inspired you to put on the event?

Dr. Bonner: Well, do you know about good and evil yet? Most things in this world come down to good and evil.

Me: Could you further elaborate, please?

Dr. Bonner: It’s an opportunity to spread the word… not of Christ but of biology. Something you might not know about me is that I have an alter ego. 

Me: Really? Is that what led to your decision to embark on your musical career?

Dr. Bonner: There’s so much more to teaching than teaching… it’s entertainment, texting about buses, wifi, computer charging… I’ll chase anything that’s sparkly and shiny.

Me: Makes sense! What do you have on the docket for your performance?

Dr. Bonner: The squishier, the better.

Me: Thank you so much for sitting down with me, DB! Anything you’d like to add?

Dr. Bonner: I’m not condescending. I came across that way because my personality is still developing.

While it might be slightly unclear what Bonner-ooo will include, I know that most of the BGA community will be eager to buy tickets. Tickets can be purchased at dagblastedmagic.edu.