If you’ve seen seniors lying face-down in the quad as of late, you may have simply assumed senioritis. However, the fatigue and apathy infecting the senior class have a much more sinister cause: since the departure of the senior class’s beloved matriarch and supplier of free food, Ms. Cornett, the senior class faces a hunger like no other.
“I thought senior year would be great, even if we didn’t have Ms. Cornett,” began Liz Napier. “But then every day around 10:45–the sweet spot right between first class and lunch– I felt a hunger that was inescapable.” Liz is not the only one describing this phenomenon: to date, 86 seniors have experienced hunger-induced medical incidents, with basketball team captain Cole Matthews claiming, “I could’ve made, like, ten times as many threes this season if I just had some of her Cheetos.” According to reports of former students, Ms. Cornett commonly kept her drawer stocked with peanut butter crackers, Cheetos, protein bars, bananas, and occasionally even candy. At break and between classes, her room would commonly be filled with students seeking a brief respite from their day of hard work and little nourishment.
Now, however, it’s a different story. “I had to start eating breakfast,” lamented Luke Williams. “It’s really put a damper on my morning routine.” Others have passionately begged Ms. Cornett to come back from her new career of leading wine tastings, historic tours, and eating excursions throughout Italy and to return to Bragg Hall to teach us history. Sadly, she hasn’t relented, and thus we remain hungry. Other teachers have also noticed a shift in student behavior since Ms. Cornett’s departure.
“I literally got a lock put on my office because Sydney kept taking my food [editor’s note: untrue],” complained Dr. Demers. “I lost my in-school bestie and my starbursts.” Meanwhile, other snack-possessing teachers such as Ms. Schraeder, Ms. Monfils, and Ms. Dillard have noticed a considerable increase in attempted snack burglaries between 10:35 and 11:20. FLIK dining reached out to The Echo independently to convey, “No, we don’t have peanut butter crackers. Stop asking.”
We have no formal plan of action on the matter, other than that the Upper School Administration reports that they are, “concerned, but have bigger fish to fry.” Thus, the only suggestion we can make is that students bring their concerns directly to Ms. Cornett, who can be contacted at ChicaWithAChardonnay@italy.com.
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