With faculty in the science department leaving and moving to new jobs, we knew that BGA would have to hire some new teachers. Today, The Echo is proud to be the first to announce that Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz will be leading the BGA science department.
Hailing from the Danville area, Dr. Doofenshmirtz will be teaching Chemistry classes and a few new electives. “We feel that Dr. Doofenshmirtz really possesses the knowledge and experience to lead this department,” said head of school Will Kesler. “I can’t wait to see what he brings to this school and its students”. A few days ago, I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to Dr. Doofenshmirtz and really got to know this new teacher and what his plans are for this department.
Walker: So Dr. Doofenshmirtz, it’s a real pleasure to meet you.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Glad to do this Walker.
W: So I was just hoping to ask a few questions today. First up, where are you from?
D: Oh, well I come from the small town of Gimmelshtump in the country Drusselsteinian. It was a lovely town filled with-
W: Wait. Drusselsteinian? I’ve never heard of that country.
D: Oh well..it’s real. It’s in Eastern Europe. You should check it out.
I later asked Mr. U if he had heard of this country, being from Poland. He just gave me a weird look and asked me what I was talking about.
W: So what brought you to America?
D: Well…I’d rather not talk about it. My childhood is somewhat…tragic.
W: Oh, okay. Let’s just get into some fun questions then. What’s your favorite animal?
D: Oh, that’s an easy one. Platypus.
W: Really? What is that?
D: I just think they’re so nice, with their turquoise fur and orange beak and tail-
I have omitted twenty minutes of this section of the interview since it was just me trying to explain that Platypi have never looked like that and Dr. Doofenshmirtz insisting that not only did he always see a platypus that looked like that, but he frequently fought one that wore a fedora. This is where the interview got weird.
D: Let’s just agree to disagree on that one, Walker
W: Sure. Moving on. As you probably already know, BGA likes to provide a unique variety of electives. What electives are you wanting to bring to this department?
D: Glad you asked, Walker. You see, I’m already hard at work on a curriculum for a new class I want to teach called: Inators 101!
W: Inators?
D: Yeah, Inators. I like to describe them as devices that are created to carry out overly complicated plans for evil.
W: Wait, what do you mean evil-
D: Here I’ll show you my latest one. Behold! (He then dramatically pulled a tarp off a large object that had been hidden while music was playing) The Instant City Inator!
What I saw at that point was what looked like a giant ray gun shaped like a tall building.
D: You see, I noticed upon moving here that all the empty pieces of land is what gives this town its “small town feel” and is what makes it such popular a place to move to right now. With this device, I will be able to create full urban areas in seconds, thus destroying Franklin’s precious aesthetic. Once its popularity has dwindled, I will finally rule the Tri! State! Area!
W: What Tri State Area?
There was a few seconds of awkward silence when I brought this up
D: Is Franklin not in a tri state area?
W: We are right in the middle of Tennessee soo…No.
D: Huh. Well…I guess I can make my plans still work. I’ll just have to commute a lot. Sorry Walker but I have to cut this interview short. I need to start moving my lair stuff again and It’s gonna be a PAIN canceling the lease I just signed. See ya around!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz had a lot of excitement about teaching here and I’m excited to see what the science department will look like next year with him leading. Is he super smart? Yes. Is he a little crazy? Absolutely. Is he slightly Evil? Probably. Normally, I would say these characteristics would be problems for a new teacher. This time, however, I believe that these traits will let Dr. Doofenshmirtz fit right in with the science department’s teachers.
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