Tips from the English Department for Essay Writing

By Parker Compton

Here are some tips on what English teachers really look for in an essay:

1. Letter count

Who cares about words? Nowadays, letters are the only thing that matters to your English teacher. According to the English Department, your essay must have exactly 476 i’s, 532 l’s, 889 q’s, and no more than 1 vowel.

2. Fonts and color application

Times New Roman is so boring. Teachers prefer Inconsolata in a subtle puke green. Alternating fonts and colors for each letter is always an impressive way to display your excellence in English. This will help your essay stand out in that endless pile that colleges and teachers go through.

3. Language understanding

I hear it all the time: English teachers are disappointed when they receive an essay written in English. Where is your determination to explore different languages? Where is that courage to excel? It’s called AP Language for a reason. Time to get cracking, and make up your own language!

4. Capitalization

IF A TEACHER READS YOUR ESSAY OUT LOUD, THEY SHOULD HAVE TO SCREAM! ALL CAPS!!! ALL CAPS!!!

5. Topic mastery

Any time your teacher assigns you a topic for an essay, the last thing they want is for you to write about that. It’s literally a test to see who has the bravery to be completely random. Don’t fail.

6. Engagement

Teachers get bored, too! Provide a list of links in your Works Cited so they can play games instead of reading your essay. A few random photos, gifs, or emojis are great, too! Warning, though: if you jumpscare them with a photo from some horror movie, they will jumpscare you with another photo in your report card comments.