The Most Anticipated Day of The Decamillenium Is Finally Coming

By Parker Compton

In five weeks from now, the culmination of your life and of human existence will occur. It’s what you have waited for. It’s what you have worked for. It’s what you have dreamed about every night. It’s the peak of humanity, of progress, of everything that has ever happened and that ever will happen in the universe. Listen closely, and prepare yourself, for in only five weeks from now, we will have Assembly Day®.

You will arrive at BGA at 6:30 AM. From 6:30 to 9:00, you will discuss your excitement for assembly in your advisory. You will try to predict the details of the assembly. You will write a brief 100,000 word essay in preparation for the assembly. 

At 9:00, you will hear the sound of a gong ricochet through the halls of BGA, followed by a thunderous voice over the announcements. “Today is Assembly Day®, the day that the galaxies and cosmos have been whispering about for the past trillion years. Today, you will hear things that have never been heard, you will see things that have never been seen. Your life will never be the same after you enter these theater doors.”

You will all walk to assembly like any other assembly. At 9:15 AM, it will begin. For the next ten hours, the outside world will go silent to listen. The wind will stop, the clouds will lower, the stars will become visible in broad daylight. At 7:15 PM, it will end. Ten nonstop hours of pure bliss.

You will then return to your advisory at 7:30 PM. On your way, you will see the most beautiful sunset on Earth, yet it will seem incomparable to what you will have just witnessed. From 7:30 PM to 10:30 PM, you will analyze the assembly in depth. You will write hundreds of Quote IDs based on what was said in the assembly, ranging from the weekly announcements to the sports updates. You will write a 500,000 word reflection, 94 words per second, and you will then feel the infinite satisfaction of having experienced the sheer, unfiltered beauty of a day devoted purely to assembly. 

Dismissal will be at 11:45 PM, though it will probably be more like 12:15 AM because of the extra parking lot traffic that day. You will likely explode into tears on your way home from school. That’s how beautiful Assembly Day® will have been.