Season 18 premiere of The Bachelorette:

By Chloe Wright

Finally! It’s time! I get to write about The Bachelorette! 

In the beginning of the episode, we get an in depth look at how hard dating is for our girl Michelle and how happy her parents are and yadda yadda yadda, let’s get onto the men (More specifically their limo entrances because if it wasn’t for my word count, we’d be here all day.) Also, Tayshia and Kaitlyn are here as they were hosts last season. Fun stuff!

The entrances…

Nayte, Jamie, Chris G., Mollique, Alec, Will, Pardeep, Olu, Garrett (I know you broke your foot, but I don’t care), Casey, Spencer, Bryan, JoMarri (and your tearaway sleeves), Edward, Leroy, Martin (and your backflips)…

Yawn.

Romeo: Il n’y a pas d’un truc plus sédusiant qu’un homme qui parle en français.

Jack: He compared himself to a dog… Is he a furry?

Clayton: He gave her a yardstick to spank him with. And she did! And this guy is the new Bachelor!

Chris S.: Strolling in from a school bus with loafers, kneehighs, and shorts? Respect… ish.

Brandon K.: The guy made a boob joke. Pass. 

LT: Tuxedo Speedo. Say that 5 times fast.

Rick: He hid under a table and stuck his head from under a cloche. And she put the cloche back over him! Was he that ugly?

Ryan: He came out of an ice cream truck for a “double scoop of love” (kill me). Before the limo entrances, Tayshia and Kaitlyn gave an homage to Room Raiders by spying on the men’s hotel rooms. They discovered that Ryan carried a little playbook with how to get more screen time. Big Barney Stinson energy. So, obviously, he’s a gem.

Rodney: He dressed up like a red apple and called himself a Granny Smith… My apple snobbery is coming out. 

Peter: He flung pizza dough on the ground and yelled at her in Italian. I’ve never been so scared in my life.

Daniel: He scooted along on a toy firetruck and it took 3 gazillion hours to get to her.

PJ: Now he came out in a real firetruck with sirens and all… Poor Daniel. I feel like I’m at one of those Touch-a-Truck events I went to as a kid.

Brandon J.: Wheeled in on a bed by the crew… Poor crew.

Joe: You sly dog, she already reached out to you through DMs and you ghosted her. Tsk, tsk, tsk. 

And now the cocktail party: 

Peter fed Michelle his homemade cannolis. That’s all that needs to be said for everyone else. 

Now for Ryan: Michelle confronts and sends him home for having that Barney Stinson-esque plan on how to act on the show and woo our girl… I miss reality television villains like him. 

Side note: Chris S. mentioned Ryan was “in the Bachelor pool for a while.” Is he one with the forums like Hunter from Katie’s season? Is he a Grippo Girl?!

Now, the first impression rose (and the first kiss)! Usually the person who ends up the fiancé. I guess it’s better Nayte than never… I’m saying it was Nayte. He got the first impression rose and the first kiss of the season. 

The men who made it past our first Rose Ceremony: 

Nayte, Jamie, Leroy, Martin, Spencer, Rick, Clayton (seriously?), Peter, PJ, Mollique, Romeo, Daniel, Brandon J., Will, Chris S., Rodney, Alec, Pardeep (yay), Chris G., Casey, Olu, LT, aaaand Joe were given a rose to continue on their “journey.” Everyone else was given the boot. 

Ah, I wish I was wheeled away from this show like how Tayshia made Kaitlyn push her down a hill on that bed Brandon J. had. It’s a mood. Not only for me but also for all of us. 

Should Michelle have kicked Joe to the curb? Why were the ratings so low for this premiere? How do tearaway sleeves work and how much do they cost for, let’s say, a 5’9, size medium brunette? I guess we’ll never know… On Tuesdays, 8/7c, on ABC.