By Chloe Wright
Season 30 premiere of Dancing With the Stars:
It’s time for me to judge celebrities dancing competitively as if I’ve ever competitively danced. Do not listen to the judges who actually have a basis for judging here. Listen to me and only me.
- Melanie C – Spice Girl
Expectations: She has the physique of someone who can beat me up.
Reality: Of course, she dances to “Wannabe.” She’s flexible, but this dance doesn’t have a spark…
Judge’s total : 27 (7, 7, 6, 7)
My rating: 7/10.
- Mike “The Miz” Mizanin – Professional wrestler
Expectations: Looks like a car dealer.
Reality: His dance partner is cha-chaing through all the work. He’s not smooth like butter; he’s static.
Judge’s total : 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)
My rating: 5/10.
- Iman Shumpert – NBA champion
Expectations: I’d have a coffee with this guy. I have hopes.
Reality: If only there was less… everything.
Judge’s total : 21 (7, 4, 5, 5). Oof.
My rating: 6/10.
- Olivia Jade – Influencer/College scandal lady
Expectations: Meh.
Reality: She’s too frantic. Their chemistry is okay, but it’s all leaning on Val. The music choice didn’t harm the dancing. She did it herself.
Judge’s total : 25 (7, 6, 6, 6)
My rating: A soft 7. I’m being nice.
- Jimmie Allen – Best selling country artist
Expectations: I like his outfit. He seems optimistic.
Reality: He is pretty alright. I like his chemistry with Emma. He could be a liiittle more loose.
Judge’s total : 22 (6, 5, 6, 5)
My rating: Another soft 7.
- Melora Hardin – Jan Levinson from The Office
Expectations: Dancing? Eh.
Reality: I’m not getting bored, per se. Artem did win last season, so they may be better later.
Judge’s total : 26. (7, 6, 7, 6)
My rating: 6.5.
- Suni Lee – First Hmong-American Olympian. Absolute legend.
Expectations: She can do no wrong. Period.
Reality: This dance makes me happy. Lee and Sasha build off each other well.
Judge’s total : 28 (7, 7, 7, 7)
My rating: 9/10.
- Cody Rigsby – Peloton bike instructor
Expectations: He’s a fitness guy. Perhaps.
Reality: Of course “Physical” is playing. Cheryl needs to let him do his thing.
Judge’s total : 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)
My rating: A soft 6.
- Amanda Kloots – Host of The Talk
Expectations: Her dress looks nice. Hopes? Average.
Reality: This works oddly well. She and Alan have excellent chemistry and just need more fluidity.
Judge’s total : 28 (7, 7, 7, 7)
My rating: 8/10
- Martin Kove – Star of “The Karate Kid” and Cobra Kai
Ignoring it. Too awful.
- Kenya Moore – The Real Housewives of Atlanta star
Expectations: I like her dress.
Reality: For the most part, Brandon and Kenya had consistency and fluidity.
Judge’s total : 26 (7, 6, 6, 7)
My rating: 7/10.
- Christine Chiu – Producer/starring in Bling Empire on Netflix
Expectations: I’m gonna be nice since I don’t know this woman. Her outfit looks good.
Reality: She and Pasha did… a good thing.
Judge’s total : 25 (6, 7, 6, 6)
My rating: 7/10.
- Matt James – First Bachelor of color (Season 25)
Expectations: He should have kept the beard. As a watcher of the Bachelor franchise, I have a little hope.
Reality: I oddly have… no negativity.
Judge’s total: 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)
My rating: 7.5
- Brian Austin Green – Actor on Beverly Hills 90210
Expectations: He was the Giraffe on The Masked Singer. Zero hopes.
Reality: He danced with his… girlfriend… It fuels the chemistry between them. Sorry for my previous comment, Brian.
Judge’s total: 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)
My rating: 8/10.
- JoJo Siwa – You know who she is. Also, she’ll be the first woman to have a female dance partner in DWTS history. Congratulations to NBC for doing the bare minimum!
Expectations: I know she’ll do well.
Reality: Near the end, they stumbled and recovered, but for the most part, they were a favorite.
Judge’s total: 29 (8, 7, 7, 7). Highest score of the night.
My rating: 8/10. Don’t make fun of my score…
Was all this worth it? Yes. I recommend keeping tabs on some of these people. Let us all watch the steaming pile of trash together.

Leave a comment