Reality Chloe: When school drama just isn’t enough.

By Chloe Wright

Season 30 premiere of Dancing With the Stars:

It’s time for me to judge celebrities dancing competitively as if I’ve ever competitively danced. Do not listen to the judges who actually have a basis for judging here. Listen to me and only me. 

  1. Melanie C – Spice Girl

Expectations: She has the physique of someone who can beat me up.

Reality: Of course, she dances to “Wannabe.” She’s flexible, but this dance doesn’t have a spark… 

Judge’s total : 27 (7, 7, 6, 7)

My rating: 7/10. 

  1. Mike “The Miz” Mizanin – Professional wrestler

Expectations: Looks like a car dealer. 

Reality: His dance partner is cha-chaing through all the work. He’s not smooth like butter; he’s static. 

Judge’s total : 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)

My rating: 5/10. 

  1. Iman Shumpert – NBA champion

Expectations: I’d have a coffee with this guy. I have hopes. 

Reality: If only there was less… everything. 

Judge’s total : 21 (7, 4, 5, 5). Oof. 

My rating: 6/10. 

  1. Olivia Jade – Influencer/College scandal lady 

Expectations: Meh. 

Reality: She’s too frantic. Their chemistry is okay, but it’s all leaning on Val. The music choice didn’t harm the dancing. She did it herself.

Judge’s total : 25 (7, 6, 6, 6)

My rating: A soft 7. I’m being nice. 

  1. Jimmie Allen – Best selling country artist

Expectations: I like his outfit. He seems optimistic. 

Reality: He is pretty alright. I like his chemistry with Emma. He could be a liiittle more loose. 

Judge’s total : 22 (6, 5, 6, 5)

My rating: Another soft 7. 

  1. Melora Hardin – Jan Levinson from The Office

Expectations: Dancing? Eh.  

Reality: I’m not getting bored, per se. Artem did win last season, so they may be better later.

Judge’s total : 26. (7, 6, 7, 6)

My rating: 6.5.

  1. Suni Lee – First Hmong-American Olympian. Absolute legend. 

Expectations: She can do no wrong. Period.

Reality: This dance makes me happy. Lee and Sasha build off each other well. 

Judge’s total : 28 (7, 7, 7, 7)

My rating: 9/10. 

  1. Cody Rigsby – Peloton bike instructor

Expectations: He’s a fitness guy. Perhaps. 

Reality: Of course “Physical” is playing. Cheryl needs to let him do his thing.

Judge’s total : 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)

My rating: A soft 6. 

  1. Amanda Kloots – Host of The Talk

Expectations: Her dress looks nice. Hopes? Average. 

Reality: This works oddly well. She and Alan have excellent chemistry and just need more fluidity. 

Judge’s total : 28 (7, 7, 7, 7)

My rating: 8/10

  1. Martin Kove – Star of “The Karate Kid” and Cobra Kai

Ignoring it. Too awful. 

  1. Kenya Moore – The Real Housewives of Atlanta star

Expectations: I like her dress.

Reality: For the most part, Brandon and Kenya had consistency and fluidity. 

Judge’s total : 26 (7, 6, 6, 7)

My rating: 7/10.

  1. Christine Chiu – Producer/starring in Bling Empire on Netflix

Expectations: I’m gonna be nice since I don’t know this woman. Her outfit looks good. 

Reality: She and Pasha did… a good thing. 

Judge’s total : 25 (6, 7, 6, 6)

My rating: 7/10.

  1. Matt James – First Bachelor of color (Season 25)

Expectations: He should have kept the beard. As a watcher of the Bachelor franchise, I have a little hope. 

Reality: I oddly have… no negativity.

Judge’s total: 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)

My rating: 7.5

  1. Brian Austin Green – Actor on Beverly Hills 90210 

Expectations: He was the Giraffe on The Masked Singer. Zero hopes. 

Reality: He danced with his… girlfriend… It fuels the chemistry between them. Sorry for my previous comment, Brian. 

Judge’s total: 24 (6, 6, 6, 6)

My rating: 8/10. 

  1. JoJo Siwa – You know who she is. Also, she’ll be the first woman to have a female dance partner in DWTS history. Congratulations to NBC for doing the bare minimum!

Expectations: I know she’ll do well.

Reality: Near the end, they stumbled and recovered, but for the most part, they were a favorite. 

Judge’s total: 29 (8, 7, 7, 7). Highest score of the night. 

My rating: 8/10. Don’t make fun of my score… 

Was all this worth it? Yes. I recommend keeping tabs on some of these people. Let us all watch the steaming pile of trash together. 

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